No link yet. Will update as soon as one is available.
NEW YORK — Wall Street investors were reeling after the Devil, the largest procurer of souls for sale, sold off many of the largest names in his portfolio.
Among those souls now back on the market were those once owned by Vice President Dick Cheney, conservative talker Rush Limbaugh, Republican presidential candidate Rudy Guiliani, and television commentator Ann Coulter.
“I bought these souls as an investment years ago, but now they’re nearly worthless,” said the Devil in a press conference in Hell. “Really, what’s the point of me holding on to these investments when I’ll get them in the end for free?”
Wall Street was shaken by the big sell off, believed to be Satan’s largest.
“Battle scarred investors are going to avoid investing in people eager to sell their souls after this sell off,” said market analyst Stephen Vincent Benet of investment company Ferris Baker Watts in Washington, D.C.
The Devil’s decision to unload the majority of souls he acquired could send ripples throughout Wall Street, Benet said.
“If you look close at the details, you’ll see this hurting the share prices of stocks in the defense industry and big Oil,” Benet said.
The Devil said his sell off was sparked by Limbaugh calling soldiers opposed to the Iraq war as “phony soldiers.”
“That was the straw that broke the camel’s back,” the Devil said. “I mean that literally. I had camels carrying all of Limbaugh’s sins around.”
The Devil said his move should not have surprised investors.
“They should have realized a sell-off was coming when John McCain tried to sell his soul for the Republican presidential nomination and I wouldn’t buy,” the Devil said.
“I’d realized for some time the souls of many rightwingers were damaged goods,” the Devil said. “I realized I’d been holding on to them for sentimental reasons. Afterall, they’d done so much for me over the years to promote greed and war. They’ve worked hard to keep people downtrodden and in misery. I felt I owed them, especially Limbaugh. But I’ve got to look out for myself or I wouldn’t be me, you know?”