A good friend of mine worked as a beat officer in a metro area. One night during a lull after a particularly bad stretch lasting several weeks, he went in to the precinct house. “Sergeant,” he said. “Four out of five voices in my head are telling me to go home early.”
An officer from another precinct who didn’t know my friend was standing next to the sergeant’s desk. “What’s the fifth voice saying?” the other officer asked.
“It’s saying what it always says,” my friend said. “Kill them. Kill them all now.”
His sergeant shook his head and told him to go on home.
Sometimes we all need to stay just crazy enough to get through the day.
Here’s a list that was emailed to me.
“Nineteen Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity.”
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “In.”
5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
6. In the memo field of all your checks, write “For smuggling mummies.”
7. Finish all your sentences with “In accordance with the prophecy.”
8. Don’t use any punctuation
9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
10. Order a diet water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
11. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
12. Sing along at the opera.
13. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
14. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day.
15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, rock bottom.
17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream “I won! I won!”
18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling “Run for your lives, they’re loose!!”
19. Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”