Archive for the 'Humor' Category

Monkey madness

Copernicus is made of awesome. And nightmares.

A box of money hands. Also.

me: Do I want a box of monkey hands? Is this a trick question? Of course I want a box of monkey hands. But I’m not going to take all your monkey hands. I’ll just take two.

Laura: OMG, take the box of monkey hands. What am I going to do with monkey hands?

me: What couldn’t you do with monkey hands?

Not surprisingly, she is the maker of a lovely haunted dollhouse.

Nation made nervous by sudden, ominous music

The federal government warns people to stay away from deserted mansions and cabins by lakes in response to unexpected music, according to our nation’s finest news source.

Archaeologists discover race of skeleton people

I should email Harvard archaeologist Jason Ur, the Official* Archaeologist of The Mystery of the Haunted Vampire, about this amazing discovery reported in America’s finest news source since the closing of the Weekly World News:

AL JIZAH, EGYPT—A team of British and Egyptian archaeologists made a stunning discovery Monday, unearthing several intact specimens of “skeleton people”—skinless, organless humans who populated the Nile delta region an estimated 6,000 years ago.

“This is an incredible find,” said Dr. Christian Hutchins, Oxford University archaeologist and head of the dig team. “Imagine: At one time, this entire area was filled with spooky, bony, walking skeletons.”

snip

“The evidence of an evolutionary link between humans and skeletons is sparse at best,” said Dr. Terrance Schneider of the University of Chicago. “Furthermore, it is downright unscientific to theorize that skeleton life originated in Egypt merely because mummies, another species of monster, are indigenous to the area. Spooky creatures are found all over the world, from the vampires of Transylvania to the headless horsemen of Sleepy Hollow.”

(more…)

Bueller’s Day

Ferris Bueller’s Day Off re-imagined as a horror movie.

Corpses surface at Lake Wobegone

From the nation’s finest news source:

LAKE WOBEGON, MN—Though local residents insist it has been a quiet week in Lake Wobegon, MN, their hometown out on the edge of the prairie, state police officials descended on the small community Tuesday when another 24 corpses surfaced along its placid waterfront.

In the last year, the viciously mutilated bodies of 57 Lake Wobegon citizens have been found in the lake. Nine of those discovered were members of the town’s floundering baseball team, the Whippets, whose severed throwing arms were never discovered.

“The Wobegon Killer typically stalks his victims in the dead of night, murders them, and discards their hacked-up bodies in the water,” Minnesota State Police chief Ron Taggard said. “We believe this same individual may also be responsible for the bombing of Our Lady of Perpetual Responsibility Church in July; brutally maiming local waitress Darlene with a meat cleaver; and force-feeding lutefisk to the owner of Ralph’s Pretty Good Grocery, Ralph, until his stomach burst.”

Added Taggard, “We’re dealing with a madman here.”

According to officials, the bodies were discovered when hundreds gathered to watch Mr. Berge’s 1949 maroon Pontiac sink into the thawing lake as part of the annual Sons of Knute Ice Melt contest. As the car submerged, onlookers witnessed a number of purplish- looking corpses float to the surface.

Posted in Humor | No Comments »

Accidents happen

Lovecraftian school board member urges new books for school

From America’s finest news source:

ARKHAM, MA—Arguing that students should return to the fundamentals taught in the Pnakotic Manuscripts and the Necronomicon in order to develop the skills they need to be driven to the very edge of sanity, Arkham school board member Charles West continued to advance his pro-madness agenda at the district’s monthly meeting Tuesday.

“Fools!” said West, his clenched fist striking the lectern before him. “We must prepare today’s youth for a world whose terrors are etched upon ancient clay tablets recounting the fever-dreams of the other gods—not fill their heads with such trivia as math and English. Our graduates need to know about those who lie beneath the earth, waiting until the stars align so they can return to their rightful place as our masters and wage war against the Elder Things and the shoggoths!”

The controversial school board member reportedly interrupted a heated discussion about adding fresh fruit to school lunches in order to bring his motion to the table. With the aid of a flip chart, West laid out his six-point plan for increased madness, which included field trips to the medieval metaphysics department at Miskatonic University, instruction in the incantations of Yog-Sothoth, and a walkathon sponsored by local businesses to raise money for the freshman basketball program.

snip

“Last month, he wanted us to change the high school’s motto from ‘Many Kinds of Excellence’ to ‘Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn,'” PTA member Cathy Perry said. “I asked if it was Latin, and he said that it was the eldritch tongue of Shub- Niggurath, the Black Goat of the Woods with a Thousand Young. I don’t know from eldritch tongues, but I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.”

“We already changed the name of the school from Abraham Lincoln High to Nyarlathotep Academy,” Perry added. “What more does he want?”

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, the movie

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, a book highlighted earlier by protected static, isn’t even out yet and it’s sparked a bidding war for the movie rights. That’s spurred some wags to think of other movies that would be improved by zombies. If I sound bitter it’s because I long ago proclaimed all movies would be improved by vampires and I hate to see another undead species, a particularly foul smelling and nonthinking one at that, get all the attention.

Swamp monster claims 6th kill in latest Capital rampage

From our nation’s most trust worthy news source since the demise of the Weekly World News comes this:

WASHINGTON—The disappearance of a sixth Senate page in less than two months has renewed old fears in the legislative branch, leaving many to wonder if the legendary congressional swamp creature has returned.

snip

In response to the recent spate of attacks, Senate majority leader Harry Reid has implored legislators to set aside partisanship and pass a bill to end the swamp monster’s reign of terror. But despite the urgency of the situation, the proposal has been mired in political maneuvering and stalled in committee due to disagreements over the bill’s wording.

“We almost passed a funding allocation bill to purchase a flamethrower and burn the hideous half-man, half-salamander alive, until someone attached a $34 million rider for commercial logging in Montana,” Reid said while boarding up his office windows. “And now that…thing has got another one of ours. It’s time to take matters into our own hands and draft an immediate-action resolution with much stronger language.”

Added Reid, “Our only hope is that poor Molly has sated its appetite for long enough to pass this amendment to the Procedure and Administration section of Title 26, the Internal Revenue Code.”

This is not the first time legislators have found themselves living in terror of the scaly abomination. During Thomas Jefferson’s presidency, the 8th U.S. Congress lost nine senators and 21 representatives to the aquatic fiend before it was able to secure enough votes to pass H.R. 243, the Back From Whence It Came proposal. In 1954, Sens. Sam Ervin (D-NC) and Henry Dworshak (R-ID) thought they had finally destroyed the swamp creature for good, after repeatedly stabbing the beast, spraying it with DDT, and dumping its body in the Chesapeake and Ohio Canal. But after legislators discovered the gruesome remains of the Energy and Water Development subcommittee a few weeks later, Ervin admitted they had probably only aggravated the monster’s aquatic wrath.

There haven’t been this many Congressional staffers found dead since Joe Scarborough and Gary Condit were in office.

‘Nice blog’

protected static put in a spam blocker long ago that I check out occassionally to make sure legitimate comments are not inadvertantly caught. It’s easy to tell the spam even without checking the url that it links back to:

Nice blog. really good quality.

Clearly that’s not a comment from anyone who reads this blog.

« Previous Entries

 
Powered by WordPress and Ad Infinitum