BUCHAREST, Romania – There’s more bad news in the cards for Romania’s beleaguered witches.
A month after Romanian authorities began taxing them for their trade, the country’s soothsayers and fortune tellers are cursing a new bill that threatens fines or even prison if their predictions don’t come true.
Superstition is a serious matter in the land of Dracula, and officials have turned to witches to help the recession-hit country collect more money and crack down on tax evasion.
Witches argue they shouldn’t be blamed for the failure of their tools.
“They can’t condemn witches, they should condemn the cards,” Queen Witch Bratara Buzea told The Associated Press by telephone.
It’s the poor workman that blames the tools. However, I won’t be surprised to see a newt outbreak in Romania soon as the witches strike back.
You’d think there were more serious issues to deal with, but Republican Senator Sam Brownback thinks otherwise:
The Human-Animal Hybrid Prohibition Act would ban the creation of human-animal hybrids. Human-animal hybrids are defined as those part-human, part-animal creatures, which are created in laboratories, and blur the line between species. The bill is modest in scope and only affects efforts to blur the genetic lines between animals and humans.
As the post at the link points out, other supernatural creatures also would be effected.
From our nation’s most trust worthy news source since the demise of the Weekly World News comes this:
WASHINGTON—The disappearance of a sixth Senate page in less than two months has renewed old fears in the legislative branch, leaving many to wonder if the legendary congressional swamp creature has returned.
In response to the recent spate of attacks, Senate majority leader Harry Reid has implored legislators to set aside partisanship and pass a bill to end the swamp monster’s reign of terror. But despite the urgency of the situation, the proposal has been mired in political maneuvering and stalled in committee due to disagreements over the bill’s wording.
“We almost passed a funding allocation bill to purchase a flamethrower and burn the hideous half-man, half-salamander alive, until someone attached a $34 million rider for commercial logging in Montana,” Reid said while boarding up his office windows. “And now that…thing has got another one of ours. It’s time to take matters into our own hands and draft an immediate-action resolution with much stronger language.”
Added Reid, “Our only hope is that poor Molly has sated its appetite for long enough to pass this amendment to the Procedure and Administration section of Title 26, the Internal Revenue Code.”
This is not the first time legislators have found themselves living in terror of the scaly abomination. During Thomas Jefferson’s presidency, the 8th U.S. Congress lost nine senators and 21 representatives to the aquatic fiend before it was able to secure enough votes to pass H.R. 243, the Back From Whence It Came proposal. In 1954, Sens. Sam Ervin (D-NC) and Henry Dworshak (R-ID) thought they had finally destroyed the swamp creature for good, after repeatedly stabbing the beast, spraying it with DDT, and dumping its body in the Chesapeake and Ohio Canal. But after legislators discovered the gruesome remains of the Energy and Water Development subcommittee a few weeks later, Ervin admitted they had probably only aggravated the monster’s aquatic wrath.
There haven’t been this many Congressional staffers found dead since Joe Scarborough and Gary Condit were in office.
Looking for another quote on space, I found this from a 1936 letter:
“As for the Republicans—how can one regard seriously a frightened, greedy, nostalgic huddle of tradesmen and lucky idlers who shut their eyes to history and science, steel their emotions against decent human sympathy, cling to sordid and provincial ideals exalting sheer acquisitiveness and condoning artificial hardship for the non-materially-shrewd, dwell smugly and sentimentally in a distorted dream-cosmos of outmoded phrases and principles and attitudes based on the bygone agricultural-handicraft world, and revel in (consciously or unconsciously) mendacious assumptions (such as the notion that real liberty is synonymous with the single detail of unrestricted economic license or that a rational planning of resource-distribution would contravene some vague and mystical ‘American heritage’…) utterly contrary to fact and without the slightest foundation in human experience? Intellectually, the Republican idea deserves the tolerance and respect one gives to the dead.”
Similarly, the CIA suspects that the citizens of Belize could try to summon the ancient Mayan death god Ah-Puch to eat the first-born male child of every American household. And while we have no idea when the Belizeans plan to unleash this ancient fury from the underworld upon us, we don’t want the smoking gun for their plot to come in the shape of a giant rotting Technicolor corpse eating our children.
“I wanted to go into it and kind of show them that I am this character,” Jameson said of her audition. “Really, when I read this script, I was like, ‘This character is me. It’s not going to be a big stretch for me.’ It’s this kind of bossy, streetwise, jaded stripper. Okay, that’s me. So I just kind of went in and they were like, ‘Well, do you need choreography training or anything like that?’ And I’m like, ‘Well, actually, I danced all my life so no worries there.’ And within five minutes of meeting [director] Jay [Lee], he was like, ‘You got the part. Word. No problem. You’re done.’ So it was pretty easy. Seriously, it was one of the best experiences I’ve ever had in business, 100%. It was a very easy situation.”
Well, the audition was easy. As the zombie stripper gets more and more decomposed throughout the movie, the makeup work got harder. “The only hard part was the makeup process. That was brutal. 6-8 hours in the makeup chair. For my end fight scene where I get my legs and arms ripped off – it’s so funny. Yeah, when I get my legs and arms ripped off, I had to have an exoskeleton put onto my body and I had to stand on weird bars that propped me up and the skeleton dangled underneath me. It was crazy. There was a lot put into this movie so I didn’t really know what I was getting into when I signed up. Halfway through it I was like, ‘Oh my God.’ Two hours a night trying to get all the blood off. That stuff stains your skin and your hair. I was pink for like a month afterward.”
Even more outrageous than its storyline, Zombie Strippers includes many overt references to philosophical texts. Jameson read some Nietzsche to brush up. “I thought that it would be important. I kind of fancy myself a smart chick, so I went into it thinking I’m well versed, I know what I’m talking about. Then he’s like, ‘Yeah, you’re going to be reading Nietzsche in the opening scene’ and I’m like, ‘Who?’ So yeah, I tried to do a little bit of studying when it came to getting ready for my character.”
The film is full of political jibes also, which reflected some of Jameson’s own personal struggles. “It was really important because my whole entire career has been based upon kind of taking cover from the establishment. When Bush came into office, I had just started Club Jenna. I was producing my own movies which was a big departure for women in my industry. No women really did what I did, so all of a sudden, I had this glaring spotlight on me from the right wing psychos saying, ‘You’re going to go to jail. This is obscenity.’